Heartache

You might have realized an influx of posts on this usually-dead blog. This is me practicing my writing before the 24-Hour Playwriting Competition this year. I do write everyday: if email was considered a form of writing.

I'm exploring my feelings now. In the previous entry, I explored happy moments. Now I'm just being emo. And vulnerable. I never thought I'll write this.


I remembered you described what we had between us as "no strings attached". I don't even know what that term meant at that time, but I knew that it was used as one of N'Sync's album title. The album cover with Justin Timberlake and the other 4 hanging from strings, being maironettes. But I knew what that it was nothing good. Yes, we kissed a few nights ago. And did other things. Things a girlfriend and boyfriend would do together. But we're just friends, you said on ICQ, very good friends, perhaps, for all that we shared, but no strings attached

I think that was when I felt my heartache for the first time. 16 years old. At that insecure, pimply-face age where I talked to no one in my class in school, and my 'friends' were mostly virtual friends I never got to meet in real-life.

You made me felt special, for you wanted something to do with me though I'm that awkward kid with few friends. Even if it's no strings attached. I didn't mind, and was convinced that someday, yes, someday, you gonna say "fuck it, be my girlfriend".

But you never did. But I tried convincing myself with reasons why you're worth waiting for. You used cheem words that my limited vocabulary at that point of time couldn't grasp. You were so well-read, reading stuff I never heard about. You gave me a special nickname which I remembered till this day.

And one day, something in me, perhaps anger and common sense, caused me to turn around from my walk home to to where you were headed to. The Bus Interchange where you were taking your ride home. Let's stop doing this, I said. I couldn't stand it anymore. And you said okay. Deep down inside I wished you gotta fight to not stop this special thing between us.

But nah.

But a 26 year old now knows what's better for herself. Less of this sorta heartache.